I woke up this morning and felt a little blue I think it's something to do with the weather It's april here in my hometown and the rain here is relentless I could see it through the window of the school I went to when I was a kid and now I'm the janitor Ain't that surreal? and I saw my grandparents the other day they live down on june road and they had just put down their cat her name was Puss and my nana looked distraught I sent some love her way and my pop was his joyful self as always and now I'm dreading the days when they both pass away So cherish the time now. and I met a girl at an open mic night at a little shop called Mudsharks and she was really cool but I still can't get this girl I met in Antarctica out of my head and out of my heart she was from Britain and she had the sunrise in her beautiful eyes oh, in her eyes.. and it seems like every Singer-Songwriter has a song about a bad breakup well, I say they all are lucky to have loved and lost or maybe I'm just jealous and still hurting from unrequited love an experience I had in my teenage years which are now long gone Funny how we all move on.. and I saw an old lady walking down the street she looked alot like a grumpy mother teresa and her crows feet screamed at me they said she had seen it all and it looked like her legs were hurting and I thought that time for me is a sunset approaching my days are numbered just like yours and theirs So cherish your time now.

I'd like to sing a verse about a boy and a young woman he had a crush on she looked as if she was from a dream but most of all she was self-assured and surprise, surprise she was on my mind when I sent her an email in March and asked her 'how is London?' she said her brother had tickets to Bon Iver I told her "Flume" doesn't sound the same without her voice to accompany mine our midday jams on the Vavilov is a memory I'll never forget I wrote a song for her called "Falling Toward You" and played it for her in Antarctica and she tucked in her knees and shyly said that's the best song but I'm back home now with the distance that separates us I told her that I think about her everyday and she said 'I miss you too' whenever she walked into a room as her beautiful, joyful self.. ..I'd dread the day we would have to say good-bye. Now here at Airport Elementary a school so familiar the summer is creeping up but spring is holding on and I am here buffing floors and picking rocks out of toilets and only three more hours till the end of my shift where I'll have a puff of grass and get to work on my songs but right now I'm on my half-hour break eating my dinner in my old kindergarten room which is now a lounge and office for the teaching staff who hardly say "Thank You" and I stepped out for a smoke and looked up at the sunset It's beauty put me in a trance and I thought of Lauren and the world's problems and the meaning of my life but my daydreams were cut short by a breeze in the Alder trees in the evening amber glow..

9 people died today on Yonge Street from Finch to Poyntz avenue in the North York district Toronto's in a state of grieving after a man in a white van mounted the curb Alek Minassian was the killer behind the wheel He was a member of some bullshit Incel movement that hates women because they can't get laid and he gave praise to Elliot Rodger who killed people when pretty girls didn't come his way this psycho's confession of retribution was more terrifying than any horror movie you could ever see My friend Natalie had lunch at the Soban cafe the day before death was in the air and I'm so glad that she's okay if something happened to her I would've cried and I'll be the first to admit I don't have the best luck with women I feel beneath the pedestal I put them on being a 27 year old virgin is hard enough when I was 18 I went into the psych ward at St.Joseph's hospital because a girl didn't love me and I wanted to sleep forever yeah, I've had some sorrow in my life but I don't want to hurt anyone just because no sex has come my way why must we end each other? why does violence exist? and why, oh why? Mr. Minassian? what the fuck is wrong with you? and why should people just moving to their own pulse be suddenly cut from it the blackest sleep in the wake of sorrow and blood for the women and men who died tears will be shed and now I have this burn of a memory when 10 people died on Yonge Street that day.

My finger is off the pulse of the world I need to get out and socialize more I have a new friend from Quebec and she gives me shit for saying "Sorry" too much and hey, that's okay with me but my thoughts still drift toward Lauren every goddamn fuckin day even though she's halfway across the world and it's been 6 months and I still miss her I saw on old friend I used to jam with he was driving up Ryan Road and he flipped me the fuckin bird and it pissed me right the fuck off I was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day but I still wish him all the best he liked to dress in women's clothes and I said 'my friend you gotta be you but that's just not for me' but his girlfriend accused me of being transphobic and he said I have zero confidence well, I guess I gotta stick up for myself a little more sometimes a lesson learned.. My little sister got engaged last wednesday and I'm so happy for her I really am but of course, I wish I wasn't so alone I took a stroll down Cliffe Avenue where I saw every young couple who were all in love and holding hands and it hurt me deep inside and I was left wishing for the courage to talk to people so even though you all may have arguments you should be thankful to have one another in each other's lives cuz there are some of us out there who struggle to even find words for conversation.. I saw a girl leap into her man's arms at the Campbell River Airport when me and my Dad arrived from our final flight from Antarctica she must've jumped as high as an Olympic runner in a hurdle race and I guess her boyfriend was back from camp or somethin cuz their lips were shaking hands it was like a scene from a romance movie and instead of wallowing in depression I smiled and told myself; 'hey, good for them' but I also hope that happens to me one day or is that too.. ..is that too naive?

I left an island of smiling faces and took the Queen of Cowichan to Horseshoe Bay where I saw a man on the bus who looked like he had found blood in his eggs that morning and he was so rude to a polite couple who were trying to help the people move to the back of the bus I asked them later 'what was up with him?' but they didn't have time to stop and chat Hello, Vancouver.. and I drifted on down to Granville Street where it was a hub of culture and youth a place where the grass was always on fire and later on I went to a 7/11 for a midnight organic feast when a couple who had seen the needle barged in she was 6 months pregnant and he didn't have enough money to pay for an apple juice and it's off to chinatown where there's a garden dedicated to Dr. Sun Yat-Sen and on the way there I saw a man vomit into a sewer drain as well as a park on West Hastings where me and my friends once protested and I saw the mountain perform his songs of beauty and real death after the show I got lost and felt out of place in Yaletown so I stopped in for sushi and talked to the waitress she was half-japanese and half-korean I said 'Arigato' 'Kamsahamnida' and it made her laugh and I caught the 10:45 257 bus on West Georgia Street where it crosses the Lion's Gate Bridge and passes through North Vancouver and on the ferry walkway terminal I saw a girl I knew we went to school together and I waved she tucked in her chin and paid me no mind and such was the past as we both went on Good-bye Vancouver..

my eyelids closed at 4am last night I was up watching the japanese anime film Akira but my black cat Ghanima woke me up because she wanted to go outside and when I let her out and stood in my doorway I was in awe of the beauty of an early summer morning and right next door is the house I grew up in I have many good memories of me and my sister playing on the playground that my Dad built with his own hands but now I can see that it's starting to rot away and I feel a little tinge of sadness but the sword ferns and the cedar trees and the ocean breeze comfort me in their warm presence. and I saw my friend the other day he's got a wife and two kids and he tends to gripe about his life wishing he had this and that and I just want to say 'dude, be happy with what you got cuz some people don't have fuck all' and I asked the cool girl from Mudsharks if she wanted help recording a song and she said 'yes, that'd be nice' and I bought us tacos and beer after than she said ' a guy I've kind of been seeing is going to come over but we're not seriously dating' and he came over and he was all over her and my heart died inside and I thought it was really fuckin weird than she gave me a hug and said 'Thank You' and went back inside and I left all alone and I was full of fuckin sorrow again and I saw my Mom on monday she's been a bit lonely since my Dad is off in Norway taking pictures of polar bears her daily world has gotten so small ever since the smell of perfumes, chemicals and mold makes her sick and afraid of going out into the world I remember when I was a kid she was a free-spirited, social butterfly but I guess some people change over time and I still love her all the same woke up this morning alone again I'm yearning to connect with new people but I'm still having trouble holding a conversation which most people seem to do with ease oh, this fear of humans, groups and crowds is getting in my fuckin way and my sister was in a televised, cross-fit competition watched by hundreds of eyes she's got her shit together, more than I do, in her life but I still said to her 'hey, get out there and kick some ass' and I apologized to my old friend Nick who flipped me off it turns out my discomfort and fear around him was transphobic and I said 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' and he forgave me and we both hope we're each doing well I got a letter from Lauren on the weekend her words were neutral and seemed to have been scrawled in the last minute and I guess that's a sign that I got to move on cuz I sent her a card that I picked out carefully and spent a week or more sharing my thoughts and dreams with her It's been 8 months and I'm still wondering if I'm ever on her mind at all and my Dad got back from the Arctic on Thursday and we did some errands around town together we had lunch at White Spot and shared a laugh over Pearls Before Swine he'll be off to Africa soon to go on a photo safari than on down to Antarctica again when I was a kid he had a temper you wouldn't believe he was thin in patience and thick in confidence but I don't hold it against him and my Dad is my hero and I still love him all the same I took a Friday off for a holiday and my Custodial Supervisor wants me too take more time off but I've got no reason too I don't have anyone in my life to share it with yet I picked up my cousin James and we drove together to Ucluelet where our family cabin resides James is a good friend of mine and we are like clouds and earth he's a redneck mechanic and I'm an artistic janitor there were some silences on the drive to and fro that we both wish had conversation but it's no matter cuz I love him like a brother my friend Alice is helping me heal from some trauma I've been carrying around from being abandoned by friends in high school and getting my heart broken by a girl named Lindsay Charlyn, my friend from Quebec, sent me an email it said she's picking Blueberries in the Okanagan than she's off to her hometown, Disraeli, to be with her family I don't think I'll ever see her again and that fuckin hurts that really fuckin hurts I cooked a rice dish last night with chicken, beans and broccoli the chicken was marinated and spiced perfectly and I sat down on my couch and knew that this lonely bachelor life isn't ideal but I'll take it day by day and take small steps towards some sort of happiness and the day came to a slumber as I watched the Japanese anime film Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind while little Ghanima slept on my lap